Its all bullshit. Its not your fault, bullshit, so what, who cares if it is or if it isn't, who cares about fault? Results! So what. Results = fucked up brain. Pain!!! My head hurts!!!!!! It always hurts. Doctors, bullshit, don't care don't hear don't know don't remember who I am, anonymous. Safe and lonely in anonymity. No longer worth it. People see fat ugly me. Doctors think I want pills, like other sad lonely fat people, so wrong. don't care. can;t find a care, can't find a care, tried so hard to fit. Head hurts. Life hurts.
Kids> Raised two they seem to be mentally well, that is good, the oldest can't be bothered to even call, the youngest holds me at a distance
the grandkids are great, they will grow up fine
insanity runs my days, sadness, rage, never knowing what is real and what is all in my head
MY HEAD HURTS!!!!!!!!!!
I am rather sure I am not getting enough blood flowing to my brain, the vein in my neck has pain in it now (last few months) healthcare is a joke for people like me, if one is nuts nobody cares if they are also sick, even if sick is why they are nuts. Nobody cares about fat ugly people.
Pain and insanity take too much of a tole on life and  suck the joy from everything
all i ever wanted was to be cared for to come first in someones life
I did everything I could think of to make life happy
I made my home lovely
but I could not make me lovely
i am ugly
i have to be ugly'
i lie
i tell people i am happy and let go of fear
i lie'
fear walks every step with me
so damn many fears
hidden
fear of people
fear of more pain
fear of being harmed more
fear of loosing my shit
fear of living crazy
fear of what makes my head hurt'
fear of jamie dying
fear of being alone
fear of doctors
fear of hurting jamie
fear of hurting others
fear of screwing up the grandkids
fear of continuing life insane
fear fear fear pain pain fear pain fear pain fear pain
crap
it is all crap
too damn bad magic thinking, wishes, dreams do not come true
too damn bad
lifes not fair
nothing in life is fair
almost 50 years!!!! for almost 50 years what you did to me still breaks me
what you did let it in
it cracked my brain
it broke me
so many years
more followed you, not just your friends who you allowed but others
they all followed you to me
like ants who leave a chemical trail you left your mark and they knew somehow they knew me at a glance they came in so many forms men and boys, classmate, neighbors, teacher, preacher, doctor, therapist, customer, they came and they knew I would not fight them, would not tell, would not yell
i hated school because they came
I hated camp
I hated employment
50 years is long enough to hope for better
long enough to fight it
long enough to wish for kindness and compassion
long enough
fuck it'
fuck the pain
heartache
should have been me with the brain cancer not Gina
Pain oh the Pain!!!!
My head hurts!!!!!
i wanted to make something of myself to show you didn't win
i wanted happiness to show I could survive what you did but I didn't survive i am still there back in that basement back on that first day with chocolate vomit on my white dress
i just want it all to end
i can not take one more pain, one more hurt, one more tear, any more insane days, any more sadness '
I just need it to end
nightmares, fears, pain, pain, pain, insanity, depression, faking happy for other people, saying happy is a choice, lies all lies happy is a myth an illusion i perform like a trick pony
50 years and they say things don;t last
i have no hate
that I did get rid of along the way
some people are just bad, by birth or design it doesn;t matter you just were what you were and i was just there, nothing personal
stupid after 50 years to imagine any other life
any other brain
sanity
joy